Eyes Open

Lately I've been starting to feel better. Aside from the constant pain in my lower back, countless nights of sleeplessness due to nightmares, and the empty nothingness somewhere inside of me. I've delevoped some sort of numbness to most of the world. But I desided it was time to do something. So I dragged myself out of my house and walked slowly to see Soda and Katie.

The smell of spring filled my nose as I shuffled my feet down the poorly paved road. I started to light up a cigarette, but thought it would ruin the pureness of the early spring air. Everything seemed brighter in the world, the people and children in their yards had heartier laughs, the birds sang, the sky blue without a cloud anywhere in sight.

As I made my way up the driveway, I felt a little smile playing across my lips. There was a special kind of happiness that seemed to radiate off the house. I didn't know why I suddenly was in such a better mood then my usual sulk, but it was nice. Must be all of the fond memories I share with this house. It was always my safe place to go to. Someone was always here for me.

I opened the door and took a quick survey of what I just walked into. From one of the bedrooms I could hear Katie singing to Skye, Brook and Ponyboy were cuddled up on the couch, grunts coming from the kitchen suggested wrestling over what I could only assume to be food, and Soda stareing at the television while tucking his DX shirt into his jeans. At first glance everything seems normal. No one really looks over to see who walked in. They're all in their own little worlds. Pony's playing with Brook's hair; Soda's smile is small but brilliant while he fumbles with his shirt, not really noticing anything; Two-bit's laugh echos through the house as Steve grunts "uncle", declaring Two-bit as the winner. A sharp pain touches my heart as I realise my depressing nature will only do harm to this perfect scene. But I'm determined to make myself better, so I sit on Darry's old chair with my feet tucked under myself as I admire the innocence of Brook and Ponyboy.

Katie emerges from the bedroom holding a giggling Skye on her hip. Soda is draw back to reality and takes Skye and kisses both her cheeks. Katie smiles as she wishes Soda a good day at work, taking Skye back. He kisses both of them goodbye, and Skye reaches for him whinning "Da da". Soda seems sad as he parts from them and heads for the door. Steve rushes through the living room, shouting "Wait up, man!", he fumbles on his shoes and him and Soda leave laughing.

I realise, for the first time, in my cloud of self-centeredness, that everyone is so happy desipte how I feel inside. I feel guilty for believing everyone hated this world as much as I do. How could I have wanted them to, anyway? They're all so happy. I breifly wonder if I should leave, but Katie is asking Pony to hold Skye for a moment while she does some quick laundry.

"I'll hold her," my oddly hoarse voice pipes up. The three of them look at me, shocked that they didn't realise I was sitting here.

"Um, alright." Katie hands Skye to me. She looks at me questionably, not in a way that doesn't trust me, but I usually don't request to hold any of the babies in the gang, only if they ask me too. I take Skye into my lap and she's babbling on in some sort of baby talk. It's actually really adorable. I smile at her, Katie leaves the room after a moment.

"How's my favorite Randle?" Two-bit half laughs, standing behind the chair over me, "Thought ya didn't like kids." I look up at him, his face is covered in chocolate, with his one eyebrow up in that way I could never master. I couldn't help the small laugh escape my lips.

"She's too cute not to like." Just as I said this, Skye grabs a tiny handful of my hair and yanks down. "Ow!" I fake glare at her, smiling.

"She likes hair," Brook laughs, "I always keep mine up in a ponytail." She sits up higher to fit her back closer to Pony's chest, he immediatly wraps his arms around her torso and burys his face in her hair.

"Aw, love birds." Two-bit smiles at them, "Welp, I'm off to start some trouble. Anyone wanna come?" He ruffles my hair before leaving after we all decline.

I look down at Skye and she looks back at me. "Hi," I say in a small baby voice I didn't even know I had. She smiles and grabs at my face. She hits my jaw a few times. I don't stop her because she's happy. After a moment she whines and squirms, so I set her on the floor, careful not to break her. She's so tiny and fragile, it seems any sort of roughness could damage her. I watch as she squirms on the floor, lifting her legs in the air and rolling.

About 15 minutes later, Katie comes back and scoops up Skye, asking her if she was having fun on the floor. The look of lovingness in her eyes is the same that come from Blair as she looks at her babies and the way Mrs. Mathews used to look at the three Mathews kids. A mothers love, clearly. I never had anyone look at me like that. I feel the longing mixed with self pity of myself for never having a mother. I quickly stand up and annouce that I need to go pick some stuff up from the store and rush out.

I start to run down the street, ignoring the pain in my back and legs. I run from those bad feelings. I don't like them. They ruin my life and cloud my vision of this world. It's not a terribly bad place, sure it has some rough spots. But I like this happy feeling. I don't want to let it go.

I run to through the lot, but I trip halfway through and land flat on my face. I lay there for a moment before sitting up. I pull myself over to a large tree. After a quick inspection, I realise I scraped my forehead up. Not too bad, I've had worse. But it still stings. I grumble some curses at the ground as a whip my hands off on my jeans. I look up and my heart sinks.

Sitting on the edge of the water fountain sits Buck, his precious smile making the sunny day even brighter. I broke up with Buck a few months ago when I was shot by the Socs, because I thought I was dying and didn't want him to see it. I ignored all his calls while I wollowed in my own self pity even since. I've missed him something awful, and watching him give a picked dandilion to some girl I can't seem to place in my mind makes my stomach naueous and I want to vomit.

I don't blame him for liking her. She has long curly blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She's wearing some little dress thing that makes her look really tiny around the waist, and she's probably small statured anyway. Her skin is clear and she has a perfect smile. She's beautiful, unlike me. Buck's handsome blue-grey eyes have that in-love look that they always shared with me. My heart aches like its on fire, my throat swells and my vision is blurred by tears.

I recongnize the girl now. She always hung around the bar and tried to talk to Buck when I wasn't there. I always got jealous and up myself in between them when I would see them. I guess he deserves her though. She doesn't seem to be sad like me. She probably doesn't have a bruised and beaten up heart like mine. Buck never deserved the burden that I am. He looks happy. I get to my feet and shuffle off to my empty house.

How could such a good day of recognision of happiness end so badly? I guess I had given the world to much credit. It's a dirty and terrible place. My chest burns as a sob uncontrolably into my pillow. Oh, how I miss Buck. I never realised how important and special he was to me while I was with him. I was too caught up in my own shit to bother.

My shaking hands try to light a cigarette to calm myself, but I can't breathe in the smoke well so I just put it out and save it for later. I start to become angry. If Buck really loved me, how had he moved on so fast? I scream and cry until I become so exhausted and fall into a deep slumber that only waits to be awaken by nightmares of my father and the socs...


~Carson