No one likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubbly croch.

Just felt like stateing my existence. Also this is the first time I've gotten on the computer in a long time. I finally got my hands on a peice of crap laptop. I'm not telling y'all where I am, but I'll keep you updated and such.
I may come back eventually. But I had to get away. From l a and all the crap happening in Tulsa. I just felt like with one more ounce of something bad, my whole body would collapse into itself. Into a very small compacted space. Like a black hole. Anymore heart break, anymore tears, I'd become a black hole. There's just no one to talk to. Like, I know y'all are there for me and whatnot, but everyones ggot their own problems. No one wants to worry about anyone else, esspecially when they think their own life is over. So I left. You probably won't understand. But that's ok, I'll try to explain later when Im a little more not under the infulence of anything :p.

Well, I guess I'll tell y'all why I've been up to. I'm not living on the streets, I got a buddy named Shane here that's letting me stay with him. Oh man is he a hot one. He's 21, tall, and blue eyed. I can open up to him about Travis, and my other mental pain.
I haven't forgot completely about you guys. That could never happen. I think about you guys almost all the time when I'm thinking straight. I worry for you.
I've always worried about you kids. Even if I was standing in the same room as you, in a store, right next to you.. When I'd turn to steal a pack of gum or some shit, I'd pause and just see it so clearly in my mind: some dumbass comming in to rob the cashier, and you getting shot. Even though most of you could take that, simple hit in the shoulder without a tear, I worry. This probably doesn't make much sence, but I love you so much I worry. I can't help it. Everything scares me. I'll admit it. I used to pretend that I wasn't scared of anything, I didn't give two shits about anything. But fuck man was I ever scared. I wanted to be like Dallas... He doesn't care. He'll do whatever he wants, just because he can. Sure he cares about his friends, but I'm sure he's never worried like me.
But now everythings dfferent. There's this guy: he goes by Jack. Or gin, booze, alcohol. Jack has loosened me up. I'm the person I wanted to be. The one that doesn't care. Doesn't look forward to see the risks of anything. The one who lives fir he moment. The one who doesn't pretend. I had this state if mind before, almost. With Seth and Travis... I was chill. They calmed me with their presence. But then when they were gone, the puresure came back, and now that Travis..... Well it's was back with a harder bite then before.
Now Jack keeps me calm. Jack can't ever be killed or turn aggesnt me. I'm in love with Jack. I get to see Jack whenever I want.
I can't explain the pain I felt before. And I can't explain te freedom my mind feels now. I will never give up Jack. Now I know why my dad drank so much. It's bliss.
I used to think the hardcore parties, always wasted or hingover, was stupid. But no, shit man last week I woke up In a walk in closet naked with mustard on my toes, and it felt GOOD . Not the hangover, but just the general situation made me laugh out loud. I'll never know what happened that night, but I don't care. I don't care about the future, I don't care about My health, I just care about feeeling happy. Which I have now.
Don't ask me to explain, because I don't know. I feel good, that's all that matters. Me Jack and Shane are happy :).

-Carson.