Hospital food actually isn't that bad.

On Tuesday, August 3rd, 2010 I was hospitalized around 12:40 in the afternoon.

If you haven't noticed, I'm not the happiest person ever.

For a little over a year, my depression has gotten worse and worse. I won't go into what I've done to myself, or what I think of myself. Because I'm sure no one wants to hear about that shit.

Last Tuesday, I don't know what it was. I've been thinking about it for a while, but never really planned on doing it. I talked to my therapist, he asked if it was impulsive or had I thought of it for a while.. well I guess it was both. I had been awake for a few hours. Nothing significant really happened. I just got a sudden urge.. and I did it.

I went into the medicen cabinet and found some sleeping pills, ibuprofen, regular pain killers, something that was perscribed for someone.. every pill bottle I could get my hands on. I got a big glass of water and downed everything. After about ten or so minutes, my breathing got a little hard and I got reeeeeeally sleepy. So I went to the couch and layed down. It was probably about 11:00.

I went into a really deep sleep. It all felt like a dream. I heard someone shouting my name. I forced my eyes open half way to see who it was. Darry, and he was holding the pill bottles. I closed my eyes again. "Carson.. Carson? Did you take these? huh? ...Carson where you attempting suicide?" I think I may have muttered a "uh huh" sometime in there. "This isn't cool man." He cursed a long line of non PG words :p, pulled me off the couch and muttered something about the hospital. I threw up. My vomit was pink.. the colour of the perscribed pill, the one I took the most of. I think I may have seen most of them in my puke, but Darry was dragging me out. I asked him if I could wash my hand, which I got a bunch of puke on. He grabbed a cloth and whipped off my hand roughly. Then Darry picked me up and jogged outside and put me in his truck.


As he was rushing to the hospital, I remember wanting to tell him to slow down. He was going to fast and it was giving me a headache.. and I was worried he'd crash and have to pay a shit load of money for the repairs.. Before I knew it he had parked infront of the emergency room entrance. He got out and dragged me inside. A person came over and Darry was all "she took a number of pills blah blah blah.." I was looking at this girl, who had something on her arm. She was starring at me like she was scared. I just held my tummy wondering why she was looking at me.

I got to sit down for a minute. I started to fall asleep. Thats all I wanted to do. Sleep. But noooo Darry got a doctor and they took me somewhere where my blood presure was taken and Darry babbled onto the doctor about something. I can't really remember.


I got into a bed. I don't remember how or when, but I was laying there. Darry was on his phone. Nurses kept asking me my name and birthday. I don't know why. So I just mumbled "Carson Randle." "Febuary 17th." They jabbed an IV in, which left a big nasty bruise -.- and took blood from the top of my right hand and I think maybe my foot.. because it hurts like everywhere else there was a needle.

The goddamn heart monitor was the most annoying thing ever. Here I am, trying to snooze, and its just making a bunch of noise. Along with the rest of the emergency room. Uhg. At some point a nurse told me to pee in a cup. I said ok. Then she walked away? I was really confused. When was I going to piss in the cup?I can't remember how long it had been, but I suddenly REALLY had to pee. So I focused really hard and managed to hit the buzzer thingy for the nurse. Darry looked at me. "I have to pee." I told him. And when the nurse came Darry imformed the nurse on what I wanted. Then she gave me the pee cup and took me to the bathroom. Peeing in cups is really hard :( Esspecially when you have barely any control in your hands and are half asleep.

I don't know what came first, the peeing in the cup situation or going to talk to a therapist. But they both happened. haha. I can't remember what I talked to the dude about, because I was falling asleep. I know hee was Indian, and he had a student from the university with him. When the nurse walked me back to my bed, I heard someone say my name. I stopped and looked over. I didn't know who it was at first so I just stared, then waved a little and walked away. When I was laying down again I was like oooh it was Milly. Then I tried to ask a nurse what she was doing there and they wouldn't tell me -.-

I fell asleep again. I think some of the gang came around before visiting hours where over. I can kinda remember talking to a few people. I can remember Sammy Cade looking a tad frightened, Elena cursing at me about something. Then this big annoucment went up all VISITING HOURS ARE NOW OVER. It was around 8, because the next day I heard a nurse saying that visiting hours were over at 8pm. The gang slowly left. Steve stayed though. I remember Stevie staying. (:

After a while the nurse finally came and moved me up to my room. Steve walked beside me the whole time. The look on his face.. I'll remember it forever. He wore sunglasses but I could tell he had tears in his eyes. His cheeks were rosey and his jaw was clenched. It broke my heart. That look made me just want to go crawl under a rock and just not exist for a little while.

Outside my room, they made me stand on a scale. I was practically begging for them just to let me sleep. Stevie helped me walk into my room and lay on the bed. My first thought? OMG I LOVE THIS BED. most comfterble thing ever. It was like.. pure memory foam. :3 My nurse fixxed up my IV and covered me with the blankets. I mumbled for another one, it was fucking cold in there. She brought me back a nice heated blanket (:. I looked up at Steve and said thank you. and he just ruffled my hair and kissed my forehead. He mumbled the quietest "I love you." so the nurse couldn't hear, just me (:. then walked out. I fell asleep after that.


I don't know what time it was when I woke up. I saw a nurse, she said something about a gang and something about a muffin? I just fell back asleep trying to figure out what she said. Then I woke up again and looked out my door to see Cristy, Evie, and Johnny (:. I watched them until they came in. Cristy told me to shove over and climbed into bed once I did :p. And Johnny gave me a muffin :o! apparently Johnny is so fucking amazing he can make a bubblegum muffin. haha Johnny I love you :3


Once it was like 11, my nurse Nikki came in and yelled at me to get outta bed. And to eat. But I couldn't keep anything down to good so I just nibbled on Johnny's muffin. Blair brought in this pretty smelling soap called Rock Star from the Lush store so Evie and Katie made me sit up in bed (I had to have the bed bent up for suport because I couldnt do anything on my own -.-) with a big bowl of water in my lap and they pretty much gave me a bath without taking off my gown. haha.

I was so sleepy :(. Nikki made me get out of bed though so I basicly just moved to a chair and sat there because I couldn't do anything else. Haha Austin, Kyle and Blair went to get a TV, they were on moving carts or some shit. When they came back Blair was running her mouth about how they didn't have Peter Pan, only the princess movies hahaha. So we watched Cinderella :p I was bitching at Dallas for a good hour to take me outside for a smoke, but he wouldn't :(. Neither would Jamie or Stella -.- I hate you all :p


The gang had to leave the room while I talked to the same Indian doctor man. All I thought was "I'm talking to a man who looks like a way older version of Russel Peters." it was kinda hard to understand him. and I still don't know his name. But whatever. :p he prescribed me some anti depressents. and now Carson is going to be happy. or at least just mello.

I don't know how to end this. so.. see ya :p

-Carson