wonder whats wrong with me.

Best thing I've done all week, obviously, is showing up at Jamie's new "home" with a buzz and bottle of Captin Morgan's. A little after 10pm, I burst through the front doors and shouted for Jamie to get her fucking ass down. I loved the face of that dimwit thing that I'm guessing is her step-mum. I looked at her and asked if she had any coca cola. Then proceeded to explain that just the right about of Morgans and coke tastes like vanilla coke.

When Jamie came down I stumbled into a hug. Everything I said was shouted. I asked Jamie how her days been and how school was, acting way drunker then I was. "HEEEEEYYYYY MAN! CAN I CRASH HERE TONIGHT?!" step mommy looked terrified. Eventually she got up and left. I called after her about how sexy her night gown was. HAHA. She looked like such an old lady.

I cut the act and just talked to Jamie for a moment until her dad came out and litterally dragged me out.. it was so rude. I cannot believe this! haha. I called him every indisent name I could think of, and made up a few. Laughing I exaggerate my staggering and called back to Jamie, "I love you, you filthy greaser. take a fuckin' shower!"

I went partying for the rest of the night at Buck's. Good times. I made sure to stay sober enough though, so I would make it back to Jamie's and be able to break in. I slept in her bed with her (yea, lots of hot sex.). I don't know what time it was when I got there, but it sure was fuckin late. It felt like two seconds when the sun came through the window and shined in my eyes. I moaned and got up. My head spun. I quickly looked for a trash can and puked up a bit of last nights alcohol. Jamie woke up and went all blaaah about the stink, and asked how the hell I got in. I just shrugged. I wasn't really in the mood. I cleaned up my mess and told Jamie to try not to get herself into too much trouble, this "dad" of her's could give her a good future. She rolled her eyes -.-

Before I left, I reminded her to take a shower because to be honest, she kinda smelled :p. I strolled down the drive way and saw Caleb. "Hey, happy birthday" I said with a fake smile. He bought it though, which is good. I feel bad that I couldn't do a real one for his birthday. He thanked me. "Why are you up so early?" he smirked "gotta make it look like i spent the night" he said with a laugh. I laughed a little myself.

The past few days have been really shitty. I don't know why, but everytime I get a moment to myself I'm about to burst into tears. While walking back to our naibourhood, I tried to think of why I was so sad. It wasn't really a hang over. I didn't drink enough to give myself a good one. Every thought came back to the same thing. An God, i fuckin hate it.

I've finally quit cutting. But like any other damn addiction, it just pokes at the back of my mind. Like the little cat from Alice in Wonderland. Comes up whenever he wants. And shit, it really wanted my attention today. I thought I accomplished something when I went half the day without doing anything. But it wouldn't go away.

I snuck around dad's bathroom, he had to have something. And he did. A little bottle.... well, 4. bottles of white and green pills. Prozac. I had no idea that dad would have the sence to get better. But obviously didn't. Two bottles weren't open and the others were pretty full. I took a few, they were each a 20mg dose. Or something like that. It didn't do jack shit. -.-

I got my blade, cleaned it a bit, and had some fun. I won't go into the gory details. But I had myself a good cry. I feel better now, with another few furtur scars to add to my collection. Guess I'm going back to that game again...