The cold in my heart was a gift from you. You taught me not to trust; you taught me to be afraid. You made me stronger and weaker at the same time. After all the abuse, you'd think I'd hate you. But I loved you with all a girl could ever love.
You fought me every step of the way. You never showed any love for me. I was nothing to you. It's your fault I'm bitter and alone. You made me hate myself. I could never be good enough to impress you. I was the dirt at the bottom of your shoes.
You were the most vial man I've ever had a unpleasant chance of meeting. And now I stand over you, while you lay colder then your own heart on the hardwood floor. Surrounded by empty booze bottles and vomit. That's how you wanted to go, wasn't it? You were a sad piece of shit. But you were my father, and I held an unconditional love for you. And you broke my heart.
As the single tear slid silently down my cheek, I nudged you with my crutch. I wonder if I killed you. I killed my mother in birth, the woman you loved; so it wouldn't surpise me if your sufferings came from my deed. I pulled my gaze away from your blank face to stare out the window. I thought about Chase, Soda and Katie, and Blair and Dallas. They all had beautiful children who they would all love unconditionally. A sob escaped knowing I'd never meant that way to anyone.
I fell to my knees and let out a scream at the pain. My crutches smacked on the floor. I shivered, not from the cold but by the smell of death and alcohol coming from my father. I looked at him again, biting my lip. You're not sorry. I thought to myself. He didn't care that I'm left alone, he didn't care that he ruined my life.
I layed on my side and stared at him, crying. If he saw me cry he'd beat the shit out of me. But he laid there, his vacent eyes staring straight at me, unmoving. It was hauting.
Eventually I went to bed. I just left him on the kitchen floor to rot. Tomorrow I'll call the police or whatever and have them take him away. Just like the should have when he hit me for the first time. But now he's dead, and theres no changing the past.
See you in Hell, dad.
-Carson
Wow. I want to say I'm sorry Car. I know how much you loved your dad, and even though that changed long ago, you must still be upset :( </3
ReplyDeleteBelieve me when I tell you, I know what it feels to lose a parent, even one which you didn't get along at all. But the thing is, Car, that no matter how hard we try, we can never completely hate them. We love them. And that's what makes it even harder. But don't let it get to you, because whatever it is that you dad did to you, it shouldn't define you. You shouldn't let it set the course of your life. And maybe, you're better off without him.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry I know what its like to loose a parent it's hard even if you have convinced yourself to hate them and cover up the pain but then you meet your breaking point and shadder into a million pieces that you can never pick up so don't make the mistake I made just talk about it
ReplyDeleteEverything happens for a reason Car, and I think this is whats best for you. I know it hurts now, but think about how much hurt you wont have now that hes not here to treat you the way he does. He doesnt deserve to have you as a daughter Carson, He shouldve known that you were the best damn thing that would ever happen to him!
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