Jamie's not in this but she's in the title.

"wheres your report card?" was the first thing that came out of my father's mouth when I walked in the house this morning. "I don't go to school." I spat at him. "don't fucking talk to me that way. show me damn respect." he stod. "I'M king of this fucking house. you do as I say. now go back to school. get a job and make something of your worthless self." And at that point I started to cry. The first time since I can remember, my father made me cry. I always knew I wasn't good enough for him, but I'm letting myself get too close to Buck.. and if I'm not good enough for my father, why should I ever even be thought of by someone as amazing as Buck? I was bawling my eyes out like a the pathedic peice of shit I am. "oh whats wrong with you now? get over it." my dad snapped at me. "why don't you fucking care about me?" I heard myself screaming. I couldn't really feel myself, it was like a daze. he snorted and walked away to get himself a beer. "HEY! fucking listen to me you cheap bastered!" I picked up and threw a cup at the back of his head without thinking. For the first time, I hit him first. It felt good. having my anger slip out and hurting him like he's hurt me all these god damn fucking years. He didn't turn after the cup hit him. It clattered to the floor, echoing in the silent house. I became more and more angry. He wasn't paying attention to me. All I fucking want is a goddamn hug and to believe for once that he could care about me. But I'm not good enough. Not fucking good enough. I walked up to him and shoved him into the counter. "Fucking listen to me!" He shoved me down. I sat on the floor crying as he walked away. I noticed his cheek bleeding, and his forearm. What the fuck have you done, Carson? I thought to myself. You're just like him. Beating people for respect you don't deserve. I picked myself up off the floor, and dashed out of the house. I didn't want to go anyones place. I don't deserve being around good people. I'm a horrible person. It was just proved this morning. I'm a fucking brat, if I don't get my own way I flip out. I want nothing more than Buck. Buck's smiles and hugs and kisses make the sun shine a little bit brighter. He makes me smile to the point where my lips might just tear off my face. I've never felt my heart pound so hard just at thinking he's going to be there, standing there with open arms with his beautiful eyes stareing into mine and ... but I don't deserve any of it. He's too good for me, he's sweet and funny and makes me feel like I've done a million abb crunches after laughing with him. It's not fair that he is so handsome and he's stuck with a girl who looks like.... me. I can't even think of something aweful enough. Have you ever seen a black fly up close? I guess kinda like that but with small eyes. I don;t even know anymore. I'm fucking sick of hating myself. I mean, I should hate myself for what I've done.. beat up random soc's causeI was pissed, stollen, all that shit that just proves peoples opions on us greasers. I don't know where I'm going with this anymore. I'm just sad. Sad sad sad sad sad. Sometimes I still have thoughts of killing myself. It seems like the only way out. I know its not right, and shit probably will get better. But it's hard to think that. and it's hard to just get up and leave dad alone in that house. What if he dies? I wouldn't ever know. i don't think anyone would ever know. Until it started to stink and a tax man person bill thing came. Would some people be excited if I died? Would they find out from a doctor, that the kitchen floor was my dieing bed, and be heart broken? Come vist me in Hell or Heaven, if they even exist I guess. Or would they read my obituary and breathe a sigh of relife knowing that they don't need to deal with me anymore? Who knows, who cares. I'm gonna go find myself somewhere to sleep tonight. I might just end up going to Buck's even if I don't deserve his warm arms holding me while I fall asleep listening to his voice..