how can it feel so real and be so wrong?

It has been approximately 3 months since I have been out of the hospital. I've moved back in with my father. He's been sympathetic; when he's not drinking. He usualy leaves me alone. I stay in my room all day.

I'm supossed to be attending phyisiotherapy. But I haven't since about 2 weeks after getting out of the hospital. It was boreing. So I practice my walking at home. I have a set of crutches that I use to get to the kitchen and bathroom. I rely mostly on my arms to carry myself around. I get tired easily, so I'm mostly in bed.

I smoke half a pack a day from boredom. I pay my father to buy the ciggerettes with some money I have from a savings account. It's starting to run low but I don't care, I feel like I'm going to be dying son anyway.

Every nerve below the small of my back feels like its on fire most of the day. I try not to take too many pain killers. At least I still have feeling in my back, I mean. At least I have the ability to get up and move around without a wheel chair. I still have one, for if I wanted to go out to the store or visit people. Why would I though? They'd all laugh. The tough greaser Carson Randle confided into a wheel chair? Immobile? Unable to defend herself? No way. I'm not going out until I can run a fucking marathon. It's hard to work my legs though. I'm in so much pain, and occasionaly they will spaze. So I just curl up in bed and cry until the pain numbs. And then I sleep.

When I try to eat, I always get sick and throw it up. I've lost a lot of weight. I look like death. On the odd occasion that I glance into the mirror, I see that my cheeks are sunken in, the rims of my eyes are red and I look tired. My skin is as pale as a sheet of paper from the lack of sun light. My teeth are starting to become more yellow from smoking. My eyes are dull. I look older then my age. I'm very ugly. I miss my old face. I don't wear make up because there's no one around to impress.

I don't know what to do with myself. I'm a pathetic blob of life. I'm tired. I want to be done. I'm sick and tired of this pain. I'm done with not being able to walk. I feel like offing myself one of these days. Esspecially with Christmas coming up and all. It's fucking depressing.

I miss the gang. I miss Darry acting like a father figure. I miss laughing at Blair and Dallas acting like parents. I miss the gleam in the eyes of the lovers within the group, and then pretending to puke at their lovey-dovey shit when I'm really just jealous of the for-sure enternal love they share. I miss picking on everyone for no reason. I miss laughing. I miss seeing others laugh. I miss being ignorant. Being careless and not giving a second thought to anything. Living on impulse.

Maybe I can get a do over. Maybe I can start over with a new life. I can be reborn as a beautiful, talented, loved person. All I need to do is the breif moment of death. thats all I need..

~Carson