no rest for the reckless.

I don't remember much after calling Steven. Just the dull pain covering my entire body that seemed a million miles away, and the wetness of my shirt. I felt dizzy and nauseous. I almost vomited on the pavement in front of me when a car pulled up behind me. I didn't turn my head to look, I was too weak.

Steve's voice sounded far away, but so did the ringing in my ears. The thumping in my head and the hard road under myself were the only things I could concentrate on as Steve gently lifted me from the ground. I whimpered and tensed as the distant pain suddenly filled my body. Steve startled and his jerky movement only made it worse. I tried holding the pain away, but I failed miserably. Steve lowered me onto my belly in the back seat of his pick up.

I don't remember the drive to the hospital. But I'm assuming it was unpleasant. I awoke in a strangely comfortable bed. There was a beeping to my left, the sound of shuffling feet and quiet voices to my right, and a very empty feeling inside of me. After opening my eyes I realized I was in a hospital. The door to the hallway was open a bit and on my left was a heart monitor thing. The IV was inside my inner elbow, which was kind of odd. I didn't move my left arm because of the IV, I didn't want it to rip. I rubbed my eyes with my right hand, and checked my hair to see how greasy it was. Not too bad. I couldn't have been here long.

I looked around the room, no one was there. It hurt a little, but judging by the light from the window it was probably noon, everyone would have been at work. I sat there for what seemed like eternity, gathering my memories about what happened. My legs had that annoying asleep feeling, like pins and needles or whatever. I examined my slightly yellow finger tips in disgust. I HAVE to quit smoking, even if it kills me. But the way I feel now, death doesn't feel too far away.

After the nurse noticed I was awake, she told a doctor. When he came into see me, I wasn't very surprised. He was a tall lean man, probably 50. Round glasses and bald head. Regular guy. He introduced himself as Dr. Robinson. I didn't really care. He asked me how I felt and I said shit, he hit my knee with a hammer and I swear I could have kicked him in the face. The pain was overwhelming. But my leg didn't really move. He wrote stuff down on his clip board the left. The nurse told me when the next meal would be, and that it was chicken with vegetables. She asked if she could call anyone for me, but I declined the offer.

I considered calling Buck. I'd love to see him. But things are going so well. I don't want it to change. And I'm scared that if anything happens I'll be left alone again. I might as well leave our relationship with good memories rather then bad. I didn't really want to see any of the gang. I just laid in bed crying until dinner came. The person helped me sit up and put the tray on the bed table thingy. I thanked them and nibbled on the chicken. It was dry. I sighed. Not really hungry anyway.

The doctor came back later and did some tests. He took me for an x-ray. I needed to be escorted around in a wheel chair all over the damn place. And it hurt so bad. I could really feel the bandages on my back in the chair. After the X-ray I got new bandages and was taken back to my room. The doctor returned shorty and explained to me that I had a chance of walking again. He said it appeared that my nerves were not severely damaged and they could do surgery to help fix it. Or I could just live forever in a wheel chair. Simple decision, right? No. Since I don't have insurance I can't afford the surgery. I told the doc that i would think about it. He looked sympathetic as he left. Why did everything have to fuck up now? Shit was going good for a bit.

Whatever, life sucks.

-Carson